Life Goes On

I went back to work this week.  I would say my return is bittersweet.  Many things changed while I was gone for 3 months.  We had several persons move on to better opportunities, which changed the dynamic of the office.  I am no longer in the hub of activity on my floor - my office is actually pretty quiet now.  A large case that I have worked on most of my legal career went to not one, but two trials, since I became pregnant with Lilly, and in many ways, I am now standing on the outside looking in rather than in the midst of the activity.  In short, life did not stop.  It didn't even slow down.  It kept going and it kept going without me.

What is weird is that with the cataclysmic changes at home, I didn't really expect life to go on at work.  When I heard Lilly's diagnosis, my world changed forever.  I thought the world would stop so I could adjust.  So I expected when I returned to work everything would suddenly seem as it was before.  I craved that comfortable feeling and was sorely disappointed when I didn't experience it upon my return.

While I had some options to extend my leave, I chose not to take them because I really wanted to find some sort of normalcy again.  I knew things would be slightly different with the changes that occurred at the office, but I still felt I would find something that would remind me of what things were like before Lilly's diagnosis.  But not so.

The root of the problem is me.  Things that were very important to me before, things that I would think were "fun" and "exciting" have lost their lustre.  My motivation has taken a beating.  I just look at some of the issues that arise in my cases that I will have to deal with over the next few months and think, "what a trivial fight."  When I compare them to our battle with cystic fibrosis, I find those fights a nuisance.  I am just so exhausted right now - I don't have anything left to give to that fight.  My reserves are being exhausted by focusing on Lilly - I just don't think I have anything left.  I can't seem to motivate myself and it concerns me.  It is important to me that I do my job well.  I can't do my job well if I don't care about something as much as my client's care.  I don't want to just go through the motions - I want to be passionate about what I do. The loss of that passion is something that I am praying is temporary.  I hope I can find it again in the coming days.  It is just difficult when I spend most of my days worrying about Lilly.

As for Lilly, she is managing okay.  We are struggling to get her on the right dosage of enzymes.  We switched from Ultrase to Zenpep and unfortunately she did not take to the Zenpep very well - she went from being fairly comfortable and even sleeping through the night on several occasions to fussy and sleepless.  She is getting up again in the middle of the night (lack of sleep is NOT good for my motivation either) and is clearly having some abdominal pain and gas.  I suspect she may even have reflux that requires medication.  Regardless, I would like to get her enzymes regulated so she is feeling better and we are all happier.

I never mention how Olivia is dealing with things because, frankly, she is dealing quite well.  She loves the new nanny.  She loves her sister.  And she doesn't think anything is out of the ordinary with Lilly's treatments.  In fact, I find her several times undressing her baby dolls to their t-shirts and "playing the drums" on her babies "just like Mommy."  She will tell me that I played the drums on her when she was a baby and I don't correct her.  I want her to feel like this is part of our normal routine.  She accepts it as part of our normal routine.  I may need to take a lesson from my daughter on acceptance - she doesn't waste time wondering why or crying about it - she just deals with it and for her, life just moves on.